Dear Jon Stewart

Dear Jon Stewart,

After more than fifteen years of hosting The Daily Show, you’re moving on to pursue other interests. While you will be missed, the decision is quite understandable and the world waits to see what you will do with your new found free time. Your recent foray into professional wrestling seems to be a positive indicator for things to come- the kind of thing Barthes or Kaufman would’ve done. You resemble the intellectual love child of those two gentlemen.

I also admire your directorial debut Rosewater telling the harrowing story of Maziar Bahari. As a television star and film director, you perform much better than as a film star.

While socially important, Rosewater was also pretty funny. That seems to be the paradigm in which you function best. Some of your directing techniques were hit and miss, but it’s your first movie and my criticisms may be a bit nitpicky. The actor you got to play Jason Jones looked almost identical to him, except a little fatter. I liked how you employed certain techniques like showing Dr. Strangelove and the Ayatollah on the street, but I thought the hashtag following everyone in the city was a bit heavy-handed, obvious, corny. Still, it was a good movie. My wife and I made a real date of it. We watched it on Amazon Prime and ordered take-out from one of your favorite restaurants- American Roast Beef? Yes, Sir!

Let me encourage to make more films- perhaps reboot Bob Fosse’s Lenny or maybe that’s too obvious. Franz Fanon bio-pic? Maybe stick with Iran and get Alan Arkin to play Mossadegh before he dies. Perhaps something with Jello Biafra- I know you have those punk rock roots like a punk rock tree. I’d be remiss if I didn’t push you to follow your destiny- the ring chose you for a reason.

Especially when there are still so many dangerous lunatics wielding the yellow light of fear.

I’m not just writing this letter to congratulate you, but to express some concerns about the state of your legacy.

While it was sad to see Colbert go, I’ve enthusiastically welcomed Larry Wilmore and the Nightly Show. I’m not crazy about that name- I still think Minority Report works better. I take beef with some of the ways Wilmore has been cheated. 1) His budget is obviously less than Colbert’s. His correspondents never get to travel. 2) Hulu is racist. My wife and I used to watch the Daily Show and Colbert Report on Hulu and whenever the Daily Show would finish, it would immediately offer Colbert. Now that Colbert’s done and you have a new sister show, Hulu is subtly driving viewers away from your family of shows. When the Daily Show finishes, Hulu brings up Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon, or some other white guy named Jimmy. What’s up with that? Before you leave, you should tell Hulu to cut that shit out.

I’m also pretty concerned about who is going to take over your responsibilities as host of the Daily Show. Is there anyone in the bullpen up to the task? You’ve got a great crew of writers and on-air personalities, but I believe their destinies lie somewhere besides behind the fake news desk. While I strongly discourage letting another short white man host the show, Henry Rollins should at least be on the short list (no pun intended). Have you considered either Harold or Kumar? They could’ve gotten George W. Bush on the show and, in all fairness, they make a better marijuana comedy than you. If Hillary doesn’t win in 2016, she’s pretty funny. Both Obamas will be coming into some free time soon. Cecily Strong may also seem like a good choice, but I discourage recycling Weekend Update alums on the Daily Show. It’s like watching porn that an ex-girlfriend is in. Beyond Harold or Kumar, my strongest recommendation would be Aisha Tyler- she’s funny, smart, quick on her feet, and quite easy on the eyes.

Whoever you chose as your successor, make it count. It’s a great responsibility, which sometimes accompanies radioactive spiderbites.

In conclusion, Jon Stewart of Earth, the World’s Second Greatest Detective wishes you luck.