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Site Name: The World’s Second Greatest Detective

Also Known As: WXL, Wayne Xiao Long, Wayne Xiaolong: The World’s 2nd Greatest Detective, W2GD, that site with all the creepy pandas

Established: 2012

Current destination location:  https://waynexiaolong.wordpress.com

Facebook: Wayne Xiao Long

Site Chief: Baby Nightsoil

Contact:   waynexiaolong@gmail.com

WAYNE XIAOLONG IS A DIVISION OF QINAIDE亲爱的DRACULA

PREVIOUS AND ONGOING ASSOCIATIONS INCLUDE, BUT ARE NOT LIMITED TO THE FRONT, GODZILLA VS LENIN, QUAALUDAS ISCARIOT, DR. COCKROACH AND THE JELLYFISH HYPNOTIST, PELICULAS BLATELLAS, AND WONDERWEREWOLF CINEMA

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HOW DO I PRONOUNCE WAYNE 小龙?

The World’s Second Greatest Detective strives to pronounce Wayne as closely to the way that Bruce Wayne himself pronounces it. After several bottles of champagne, it may start to sound closer to Alfred’s pronunciation. Of course, Bruce Wayne’s pronunciation is wildly distinct from Batman’s.

The second part 小龙 is simplified Chinese. It literally means ‘little dragon,’ but has nothing to do with the cute Swedish band of the same name. To illustrate the pronunciation, let’s first use pinyin because Wades-Giles reminds me too much of John Foster Dulles. The pinyin for 小龙 is xiao3 long2. If you don’t read pinyin, but read English well enough to have understood what has been written so far, let me provide you with a sloppy Englishization. The first character 小 is pronounced sort of like the first syllable of the English word shower if another vowel crept into the syllable and carried a distinctive tone. The second character 龙 sounds much like the English word long as in “The hours are long and the pay is terrible.” Because 龙 is last character is the Chinglish phrase Wayne 小龙, it’s really wonderful that 龙 uses the second tone. After you say “Wayne 小龙,” that rising tone at the end prepares you for nothing less than adventure. It removes you from the problems that you left behind in the English language and lifts you just a few inches out of that dreary element, away from the manacles of tradition and the boredom you inherited from your parents. Let’s be honest- when a Chinglish phrase ends with a fourth tone character, it is a total bummer, coloring the conversation (and probably the rest of your life) with a foreboding regret. Really, do you want to be haunted?

WHO IS WAYNE?

The Wayne family’s history is quite rich as is the family itself. The family’s arrival from Europe predates the founding of the United States. They arrived in Gotham before Thomas Jefferson was even born. Despite their elevated social class, the Waynes have shared in many of America’s struggles. Members of the Wayne family have fought in the American Revolution, performed covert missions to secure a Union victory during the Civil War, and hosted many charity auctions and balls. In our bit of the multiverse, the most famous member of the Wayne clan is billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne.

WHAT KIND OF AMERICAN IS BRUCE WAYNE?

In addition to perpetuating his billionaire playboy image, Bruce Wayne spends a great deal of time pursuing an alternate persona, that of a Batman. In our world, everybody knows Bruce Wayne is Batman. In Batman’s world, he doesn’t want too many people to know that he’s Batman, but he’s not very good at keeping this secret. We have difficulty separating Bruce Wayne from Batman, particularly when it comes to attaching a fictitious persona such as Bruce Wayne to an equally fictitious concept such as Americanism. The argument that Bruce Wayne is American can be equally compelling as the argument that he is not based on the definition of American being used.

IF WE POSIT THE SAFETY OF THE UNITED STATES AGAINST THE LAWS OF A WORLD-GOVERNING BODY SUCH AS THE UNITED NATIONS, HOW WOULD BRUCE WAYNE/BATMAN REACT?

For a question like this, we must go to the text. We should ignore the immediate temptation to look at Batman’s role in the UN-supported Justice League International because the JLI is an ineffectual as the ICJ in policing the U.S. government. The text that speaks most clearly to this issue is the four-part series 1988’s A Death in the Family. This milestone has gained notoriety for the sensational death of 2nd Robin Jason Todd, a fate determined by a 50 cent hotline, a gimmick employed with the intention of democratizing the development of the Batman and Robin legacy. Jason Todd finally meets his birth mother only to be quickly betrayed by her. His bad luck doesn’t stop there. The Joker proceeds to beat Jason with a gun and a crowbar. Jason’s mother lights a cigarette and casually watches  the Joker’s nearly orgasm as he beats the Boy Wonder bloody. Despite the Joker’s best efforts, the beating doesn’t kill the boy. Luckily for the Joker, he also rigged some explosions up before he left. The Joker has done some pretty bad stuff- just ask Barbara Gordon- but this is probably his greatest slight towards the Caped Crusader. He takes joy in killing Batman’s protegé, a relationship that Frederic Wertham would say was more intimate than husband and wife. He joins forces with the government of Iran to relish in his crime as a UN ambassador enjoying diplomatic immunity. The Joker has proven himself a deadly threat to Batman, Gotham City, the United States, and the world. The Joker’s presence at the UN mocks the lofty goals and humanitarian contributions of the UN. Batman could find public favor if he stormed the UN and took eye-for-an-eye revenge for his fallen comrade. Batman could still adhere to his no-death no-guns mantra and just beat the Joker up as he normally would. Batman does not do this. Instead he attends the Joker’s speech at the UN in his civilian clothes and waits for evidence to present itself that the Joker intends to violate the rules of the UN. Detectiveness runs deep in Batman’s blood. I don’t think Batman would have invaded Iraq given the evidence of the WMD production presented. Batman and Superman both feel strongly about the UN, but they view the organization differently. As usual, Batman is very suspicious. He’s a man of action, but he’s suspicious- that axiom of Batman truth holds a weak answer to the question because Batman did not act until the Joker’s intentions went beyond doubt and had been broadcast throughout the UN chambers.

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WHO IS 小龙?

李小龙 was a movie star and practitioner of the martial arts. Though deeply associated with China, he was born in the United States, much like the fortune cookie. He starred in many films, introducing kung fu to people around the world. Like Bob Marley and Super Mario, he represents globalization at its best.

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IS ALL THE ARTWORK ON THE PAGE ORIGINAL?

Sort of. For example, the picture above features Bruce Lee who died before I was born. Sadly I am neither necromancer nor time-traveller. I didn’t direct the music video from which the frame that constitutes the background of the Bruce Lee portrait. That music video was made in South Korea and South Korea has never let me out of her airport. It wouldn’t take a bad lawyer long to make an argument that I did not make that picture. However, I did a little photoshop vooodoo, crossbreeding two independent photographs to create something that did not exist before and serves to convey a message that had yet to have been conveyed. In this sense, the site contains no virgin images. I molested them all and many of them were created in their entirety by myself, my wife, or some other member of the resistance.

CAN YOU USE THESE IMAGES?

Sure. You can give credit to Baby Nightsoil, Wayne Xiaolong, or the artist. It would be cool if you could link back to the site too. If you put one of my drawings on a T-shirt and I see you walking around in it, I’ll probably buy you a drink. If you put one of my drawings on a T-shirt and sell millions of them, I would appreciate a little something something. I didn’t create the Green Lantern and I use those images pretty freely. If you’ve heard the Baby Nightsoil music, you know I have no qualms about sampling other artists. Most of the art I’ve made in my life, I gave away for free; I’ve enjoyed the kindness of strangers; shit’s connected; if yr. an artist, I suggest you give some stuff away; it’s an alternative business model.

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