Archives for posts with tag: Human Torch

Domo and Tuzi Yeye Christmas Ride

I’d like to share a passage from Rick Moody’s The Ice Storm with you. This passage was brought to my attention by my lovely wife. She’s a better reader than me for several reasons. One reason is that I’ve resigned myself to primarily reading books with pictures in them, but that’s a relatively new thing. The reason that impresses me the most is that she’s well-read in two languages. Her decision to read The Ice Storm follows in the foot steps of Li Ang, another Chinese genius who reads Western literature. You may remember than Li Ang directed the film adaptation of the book. It featured the acting talents of Sigourney Weaver and does not resemble that abomination Avatar. My wife’s been reading this book for the past few days and keeps telling me that she finally understands the American Suburbs and why I’m fucked up.

Anyway, here’s the passage:

Sure, Paul had tried DC Comics. He had read Batman and Justice League of America, and he had followed some of the other Marvel titles too: Spider-Man, Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, The Avengers, and X-Men and especially those titles that were F.F. spin-offs, The Silver Surfer and The Sub-Mariner. He had tried them all. He had ranged far and wide. But he kept coming back to the F.F. Batman was cool: his skills were not supernatural. He was just smart and rich. Superman was a moral force. The Hulk had hubris. Silver Surfer was definitely created by a mind on psychedelics. Thor was the comic you read if you wanted to work for one of those touring Renaissance festivals, if you wanted to wear a shirt that was called a blouse.

So why the Fantastic Four? First of all, Paul couldn’t shake the uncanny coincidence that his father had the same first name as Benjamin Grimm, the Thing. When he was younger, he actually thought of his father as the Thing: chunky, homely, self-pitying. When Paul was a kid, his dad raged around his house like a pachyderm taking down underbrush. His father would find a damp towel clumped on the bathroom floor and sprint to Paul’s room to accuse him. His father would lay in wait for the tiniest noise, the scantest footfall, and then he would howl from the bottom of the stairs. But his dad was always coming around to apologize, too. He couldn’t terrorize with real commitment. He was like the Thing. He hated the world, hated mankind, but loved people, loved kids and dogs.

And his mother was the Invisible Girl. Although, on the other hand, sometimes she was like Crystal, the Elemental, the prophetess, a seer. And sometimes his dad was Reed Richards, the elastic scientist. And sometimes Paul himself was Be Grimm, and sometimes he was Peter Parker, a.k.a. the Spider-Man. These models never worked exactly. Still, the F.F., with all their mistakes and allegiances, their infighting and dependability, told some true tale about family. When Paul started reading these books, the corny melodram of New Canaan lost its sting.

Panda ornament

The pictures are from our tree. If you want to look at more of our ornaments, I suggest you click here and enjoy some of the ways the Christmas spirit manifested in our apartment. If you want to make us an ornament, that would be pretty cool.

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aquamanlookingforben

My wife woke me up this morning to tell me that that the internet was a-buzz with news that Ben Affleck would play Batman in the upcoming Superman-Batman movie. At first, I thought, “This is a weird yet very boring dream.” My second thoughts were more practical. My wife is bilingual and reads both the Chinese internet and the real internet*, so perhaps a new strategy of the Wu Mao party was to troll the shit out of the internet with such ridiculous news in an effort to destabilize U.S. hegemony. It makes sense, right? Americans agree not to intervene with Taiwan’s return and Ben Affleck will not disgrace the cowl- call it bat-boat diplomacy. After brushing my teeth, getting dressed, etc. I went to the internet myself and was overwhelmed by how fast the scheme had taken hold. Further proof of what the Freemasons have always known, inception is possible. Were the Chinese to blame for Damian Wayne’s death as well? Was Grant Morrison’s psychedelic experience in the East nothing more than Manchurian Candidate brain-washing? Why start the Ben Affleck as Batman hoax at the same time as the Bo Xilai trial?

What about Christian Bale? As a child, his portrayal of J.G. Ballard in “Empire of the Sun” was not flattering to the Chinese, praising the bravery of the Japanese as they violently occupied China. Later in life, his support of Chen Guangcheng got him beaten up by the Chinese police  after Bale had worked with Zhang Yimou.  The Chinese release of “The Dark Knight Rises” was delayed. Is it a personal mission against Christian Bale? I doubt it because casting Ben Affleck as the Batman will only make Christian Bale’s portrayal look that much better much like Clooney did for Keaton.

Eventually my suspicions subsided. The Chinese government wouldn’t do such a thing. In Supergods, Grant Morrison alludes a Chinese government program to create a real-life Superman- which I guess is more like a real life Captain America, but then it would have to be Captain China, do you remember Red China Man, enemy of Mr. Freedom? Anyway I digress. I don’t think we can blame China for casting Ben Affleck as Batman as the news appeared first in the U.S…. unless a sleeper cell just woke up.

I also don’t think actors should play more one superhero. If you’re the Human Torch, you shouldn’t be Captain America. If you were Daredevil, you shouldn’t be Batman. If you were Kaiser Soze, you shouldn’t be Lex Luthor. I also think Ben Affleck is too old to play Batman. The potential for another sustainable Batman franchise is weakened by Affleck’s decaying mortal coil.

When Ben Affleck played Superman, it drove it to kill himself, so I don’t understand why he would even want to play Batman.

On the other hand, I would be interested in a Batman story written by Affleck and I could even consider Casey Affleck as a really good Riddler. I’d like Scott Snyder to write a Batman movie and Gail Simone to write a Batgirl movie. I think Tom Tykwer should direct a superhero here- maybe Flash? Animal Man? That would be sweet, right? Tom Tykwer directs Animal Man, Anton Corbijn directs Swamp Thing, Sofia Coppola directs Zatanna, Guy Ritchie directs Constantine and it all culminates in Guilermo del Toro directs Justice League Dark.

From several corners of the internet, disappointment seems to dominate this discussion and I expect the democratic nature of the comic book industry to force Affleck to walk away from the project with his batarangs between legs. Kind of embarrassing, but better to be pushed off the project now than be blamed for ruining DC’s hope to develop a cinematic universe on the scale of Marvel’s.

*the bit about “the Chinese internet and the real internet” is just a joke, so don’t get offended. As we all know, the internet is, in fact, separated on an entirely different system: the zero internet and the one internet. One of them is governed by Jesus and the other is governed by Darth Vader.

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